The Empowerment of Finding Your Tribe

Mothering is a learned behavior. All mammals learn how to care for young from their own pack, pride, or band; human infant care is primarily learned from culture, and varies widely depending on sociocultural identification and status. In an increasingly diverse country, American parents are faced with much freedom of choice when it comes to parenting style and practices- but also much confusion and insecurity. With the “Mommy Wars” raging all over the internet, support for new and veteran moms alike is vital to their emotional and spiritual well-being. Finding a group of like-minded women can be incredibly empowering.

“When you become a parent, the world views that as an opportunity to pour its own fears and bad experiences into you. Finding your mama tribe means finding women that will support and empower your decisions as a mother, not fear-monger you into feelings of regret and uncertainty.” — Christine S.

Anthropologists have confirmed in numerous studies that homo sapiens has cared for children as a larger extended family group, sometimes even as a whole village, for most of human history. Many cultures around the world continue this practice. Western moms are in the unique position of being forced to seek out support from the community, rather than from their own families. This lack of intrinsic support leaves a vacuum that the “mama tribe” concept has come to fill.

“The mama tribe allows me to embrace my imperfections as a mom and woman, while those on the outside judge them.”

— Nandita W .

These problems of group identification and support are compounded for moms who fail to fit the cultural norm, with younger moms facing age discrimination as well. Making “mommy friends” is a topic of much anxiety and nervous laughter amongst mothers, though play groups and infant development classes abound. Fear of judgment and further isolation make this process daunting for many women. Psychologists have shown time and again that postpartum depression and anxiety can be lessened or even prevented altogether when mom has a solid support community, whether it be family-based as in traditional cultures or peer-based as is becoming the norm in the US. Finding similarly-minded parents allows women to gain confidence in their own instincts and abilities, thus facilitating infant bonding and development.

“Hanging out with mommy friends is like going to the spa – you can point out your flaws and they help you repair them. They help you work out your stress and help you find ways to make life easier. You always leave feeling cleansed, supported, and refreshed.” Haylee R.

The lactation community has used the mother-to-mother support concept since La Leche League was founded in 1956, using this structure to help women meet their own breast feeding goals. Hearing that all babies went through the same phase helps newer moms stay in touch with their sanity, reminding them that most problems are phases that will end. It is even supportive to hear that some behaviors don’t necessarily end, but evolve over time into less overwhelming ones. The most liberating moment of my personal early journey into motherhood was when a lactation consultant said out loud that it was ok to comfort my baby and respond to his emotional needs, rather than simply view him as a manipulative glutton. How incredibly freeing it was to be given permission to trust my own instincts for my child! That moment stands out in my memory because this LC was the first person who did not chastise natural emotional responses in mothers, and admit that some babies may actually need to nurse more often than every 3 hours on the dot.

“I felt less alone. I felt empowered to listen to my own intuition.” — Joelle H.

“I am proud to count each of the women quoted in this article as members of my tribe. Sarah C. sums it up nicely. “I never really understood support groups because I never really needed one. I always soldiered through stuff on my own – until breastfeeding. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I started going to the Breastfeeding Cafe at The Nappy Shoppe on a Wednesday, five weeks after giving birth to my daughter. Up until then, I was overwhelmed, emotional, and crying. Every time she fed, I cried. Every day I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. But then, I started learning. I learned that I wasn’t the only one struggling; that it was normal. I learned that I wasn’t incapable or inept. It changed me, changed my outlook, and made me stronger and more confident. I can honestly say I would not be the mother I am today if it were not for this group of women who share this journey with me every day.”

 

Written by Lydia Jennings-Kreck

Lydia is a retired LLL leader who has worked at the Nappy Shoppe for nearly 3 years now. She spends most of her time wrangling her 2 kiddos, Braedyn and Rebaecca.  She leads the Breastfeeding Cafe at the Nappy Shoppe.

10 Steps to Mother-Friendly Care

Ten Steps of the Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative For Mother-Friendly Hospitals, Birth Centers,* and Home Birth Services

To receive CIMS designation as “mother-friendly,” a hospital, birth center, or home birth service must carry out the above philosophical principles by fulfilling the Ten Steps of Mother-Friendly Care.A mother-friendly hospital, birth center, or home birth service:

1. Offers all birthing mothers:
   • Unrestricted access to the birth companions of her choice, including fathers, partners, children, family members, and friends;
   • Unrestricted access to continuous emotional and physical support from a skilled woman—for example, a doula,* or labor-support professional;
   • Access to professional midwifery care.
2. Provides accurate descriptive and statistical information to the public about its practices and procedures for birth care, including measures of interventions and outcomes.
3. Provides culturally competent care—that is, care that is sensitive and responsive to the specific beliefs, values, and customs of the mother’s ethnicity and religion.
4. Provides the birthing woman with the freedom to walk, move about, and assume the positions of her choice during labor and birth (unless restriction is specifically required to correct a complication), and discourages the use of the lithotomy (flat on back with legs elevated) position.
5. Has clearly defined policies and procedures for:
   • collaborating and consulting throughout the perinatal period with other maternity services, including communicating with the original caregiver when transfer from one birth site to another is necessary;
   • linking the mother and baby to appropriate community resources, including prenatal and post-discharge follow-up and breastfeeding support.
6. Does not routinely employ practices and procedures that are unsupported by scientific evidence, including but not limited to the following:
   • shaving;
   • enemas;
   • IVs (intravenous drip);
   • withholding nourishment or water;
   • early rupture of membranes*;
   • electronic fetal monitoring;

   other interventions are limited as follows:

   • Has an induction* rate of 10% or less;†
   • Has an episiotomy* rate of 20% or less, with a goal of 5% or less;
   • Has a total cesarean rate of 10% or less in community hospitals, and 15% or less in tertiary care (high-risk) hospitals;
   • Has a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) rate of 60% or more with a goal of 75% or more.
7. Educates staff in non-drug methods of pain relief, and does not promote the use of analgesic or anesthetic drugs not specifically required to correct a complication.
8. Encourages all mothers and families, including those with sick or premature newborns or infants with congenital problems, to touch, hold, breastfeed, and care for their babies to the extent compatible with their conditions.
9. Discourages non-religious circumcision of the newborn.
10. Strives to achieve the WHO-UNICEF “Ten Steps of the Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative” to promote successful breastfeeding:
    1. Have a written breastfeeding policy that is routinely communicated to all health care staff;
    2. Train all health care staff in skills necessary to implement this policy;
    3. Inform all pregnant women about the benefits and management of breastfeeding;
    4. Help mothers initiate breastfeeding within a half-hour of birth;
    5. Show mothers how to breastfeed and how to maintain lactation even if they should be separated from their infants;
    6. Give newborn infants no food or drink other than breast milk unless medically indicated;
    7. Practice rooming in: allow mothers and infants to remain together 24 hours a day;
    8. Encourage breastfeeding on demand;
    9. Give no artificial teat or pacifiers (also called dummies or soothers) to breastfeeding infants;
    10. Foster the establishment of breastfeeding support groups and refer mothers to them on discharge from hospitals or clinics

† This criterion is presently under review.

* Glossary

Augmentation: Speeding up labor. Birth Center: Free-standing maternity center. Doula: A woman who gives continuous physical, emotional, and informational support during labor and birth—may also provide postpartum care in the home. Episiotomy: Surgically cutting to widen the vaginal opening for birth. Induction: Artificially starting labor. Morbidity: Disease or injury. Pitocin: Synthetic form of oxytocin (a naturally occurring hormone) given intravenously to start or speed up labor. Perinatal: Around the time of birth. Rupture of Membranes: Breaking the “bag of waters.”